Not Guilty 2003-06-12

So the brother of a good friend of mine died on Friday. I knew him a little, he was in his mid thirties, very cool.
He died of a heart attack.

This is the first time I've really had to deal with someone I know dying.
And it's not like I knew him that well. I just can't wrap my mind around what my friend must be going through. I can't possibly fathom what his parents are going through either.
I can only imagine how I'd feel if it was my brother... cuz if he died, life would be a lot less fun to live.

So I've been working through this. Dealing with it.
The night I found out, I was going out with my girlfriend. We were meeting up with some friends of hers at this place called Rock'n Taco. It's this bar/restaurant with dueling pianos. Pretty fun when you're in the right mindset.

So, okay, I wasn't in my most sociable mood. We were in a noisy bar, meeting up with people I don't know very well at all. I was dealing with a whole new set of feelings with my friend's brother dying.
So I stayed pretty quiet for much of the evening. My girlfriend thought I looked miserable. I probably did, but I didn't feel it. I was just pensive. But she asks me if I want to leave. And I say yes.

I tell her what's been going on, and she feels bad, wants to know if there's anything she can do for me.

I don't know. I started explaining to her that I've never really had someone I could open up to, never felt like I had a shoulder to cry on. I've always kind of thought that was selfish. If I got a problem, I should deal with it on my own, rather than pulling someone down with me just so they can share some of my burden.

We worked everything out. We're fine. I'm feeling better. But she completely misread what I was saying. She thought I was telling her why I don't open up to her. I thought I was telling her why I wanted to.