Mahwidge... 2003-06-04

I went to another wedding last weekend. As weddings go, it was truly kickass. The groom was the lead guitarist from Wonderlove, so there were an abundance of great musicians in attendance. And a lot of them performed.
The Dibs sang an absolutely beautiful cover of the Beatles' "Something in the Way" while the bride walked down the aisle. And the reception had musical performances from some very choice individuals all night long.
And my whiskey flask got a lot of use.

The wedding, of course, sparked all sorts of conversations about marriage. My mom talked to me about it, my girlfriend talked to me about it, several other friends have talked to me about it.
I'm not sure it helps that very nearly all of the guys I hung out with in high school are married either. A couple have kids, or kids are on the way...

And I'm 24. Prime marrying age. My mom got married when she was 19.
Me, I'm not in a position where I can even think about it.
I'm not sure I want to bother.

When people talk to me about marriage, they usually are speaking of the institution of marriage. I always want to laugh, or shake my head, and explain that those who partake in the institution of marriage are being institutionalized.
Marriage as an institution is based entirely around religious concepts that have turned into traditions under the unassailable moniker "family values".
The idea that premarital sex is bad.
The idea that children of married couples are better off than children of happy couples. Not that I think all people who get married are unhappy. But a lot of them are. Staying together for the sake of the children. Tolerating someone you can no longer stand to be around so that your kids will grow up in a two parent home.
Like kids don't pick up on that shit. Like they aren't affected. Like they never end up worse because of it. I tell you, I was ecstatic when my parents divorced, and I was a little surprised that it didn't happen sooner. I was disappointed, of course, that the male parental unit took the divorce as a sign that he was no longer responsible for us, but it wasn't like he was being much of a provider in the first place.

Blah. The institution of marriage, like it's much older brother, the institution of religion, can go to hell. I want no part of it.

The idea of marriage, much like the idea of religion, is quite appealing.
I like the idea that marriage is a public declaration of your love and commitment to one person, that you are so confident and proud of your relationship with another person that let everyone know about it by wearing a ring signifying that commitment and love. I like the idea of growing old with someone, someone who knows all your jokes, but still can laugh at them. Someone who knows all your faults and loves you anyway. Someone who knows your body so well that merely being their lover becomes a wholly inadequate term.

There are tons of ideas about marriage that I find appealing. Thing is, I can have all that without actually getting married. Without going through any ceremony, signing any legal documents, pay way too much for an evening that will do little more than gather dust as photographs once the evening is over.

Am I gonna get married? Do I want to get married? That's the question I've been getting asked a lot lately.
My answer is, I don't know... Because I haven't found a good enough reason yet.

Love isn't a reason. Commitment, Desire, these aren't reasons. Tax benefits, that's a reason. Give me something that you can only have in marriage, and not have in a simple, loving, committed relationship.

Until then, stop asking me that question Mom, married friends from high school, religious teachers, and the rest: because you're not paying attention to my answer, because it's not the one you want to hear.