If only... 2002-11-27

"Some say the end is near. Some say we'll see Armageddon soon. I certainly hope we will. I need a vacation from this three-ring circus sideshow of freaks here in this hopeless fucking hole we call LA. The only way to fix it is to flush it all away. Any fucking time, any fucking day. Learn to swim; I'll see you down in Arizona Bay." --TOOL

***

When I am alone sometimes, I picture a fantasy world. A world of "if only." A world where things are different, things are better (or worse), where I am not limited by debt, or physical injuries, or responsibility. In this world I picture such wonderful sights, and then I wonder if I visit this world because I am unhappy with my life. Am I unhappy with the way things have turned out?

Not remotely, though I know my life could have gone in several different directions had I been so inclined to travel them.

Why do I picture this world then? I think it's because I feel the world is stagnating. Like we need something disastrous (or miraculous) to occur that will force everyone to start over. Our need for progress and success is no longer a societal drive, but a selfish personal one. I feel like we need to start over, where everybody is forced to depend on others to survive.

But would it actually work? Probably not. It's just my imagination, after all.

Everyone has their own "if only." If only I were rich. If only I were happy. If only this thing or that thing worked. If only she loved me. If only things were better.

George Bernard Shaw once wrote, "You see things as they are and ask why. I dream of things that never were and ask why not." This statement feels so tragic to me that sometimes it is too overwhelming to think about.