Past Entry: May 99 2002-06-04

May 30th, 1999 11:00am PST. Road trip from Orange County to Oregon via Michigan.

So me and my road bud Jason get pulled over (I was driving) in Texas for speeding (80mph in a 70).

The highway patrol officer was this Barney Fife/Don Knotts look-a-like wannabe who couldn't hear very well. He asks me to step out of the car and walk with him over to the cop car. Here's a portion of the conversation:

Cop: "Goin a bit fast, weren't you?" (complete with thick, southron accent)

Me: Yeah, sir, a bit.

Cop: Where you headed?

Me: Michigan.

Cop: What for?

Me: Pick up a friend.

So you know how if you talk to somebody with a twangy or english accent you automatically, and accidentally, slip into it too? At this point, I start doing this, and everytime I speak, I inwardly cringe. He's gonna shoot me.

Cop: Then what?

Me: Goin to Oregon.

Cop: What for?

Me: Do some theatre.

Cop: What do you do for a living?

Me: Theatre. I'm a theatre student.

Cop: What about your friend?

Me: Him too.

Cop: What do you do when you don't do theatre?

Me: I'm a student.

Cop: Where?

And completely nonchalantly, as if it were as big as Yale and Harvard, I say...

Me: Chapman University.

It was then that it occurred to me that I grew up in Orange County for the majority of my life, and it wasn't until I started looking for colleges my senior year of high school that I first heard of Chapman. So I have no idea why I expected the cop to believe such a place even exists.

Cop:Where do you live?

Me: (tired and bored of the conversation, and of making a fool of myself) It's on the driver's license you are holding.

At least the cop smiled when he handed me a ticket for 80 f*cking dollars. If he was frowning I would have converted to Southern Baptist right then and there.

So after the cop talks to me, he tells me to stay put while he talks to Jason. I ask him what the cop said and this is what he told me. Keep in mind that he didn't know what the cop asked me either.

The cop knocked on the passenger side window and Jason opens the door to get out. The cop takes a step back and starts looking edgey. I thought he was going for his gun and was ready to take refuge in the cop car where the shotgun was.

Jason: Sorry, power windows.

Cop: What?

Jason: Power windows, car's off, can't roll em down.

Cop: (visibly and noticeably relaxing) Okay, where y'all headed?

Jason: Michigan.

Cop: Why?

Jason: We're picking up a friend.

Cop: Then where you headed?

Jason: Oregon.

Cop: Whatcha gonna do there?

Jason: We're putting on a show.

Cop: (sounding suspicious) What type of show?

Jason: A theatre show.

Cop:...

Jason: You know, a play.

Cop: (Suddenly sounding like an expert in theatre) Really? What play?

Jason: "The Nerd"

Cop: (In shock, as if Jason was making fun of him) The Nerd?!?

Jason: By Larry Shue.

Cop: Larry who?

Jason: Shue.

Cop: You got any insurance?