Tunnel Vision 04/27/2004

Yesterday I turned in a letter of resignation to my boss. As of May 23rd, I will officially be moving on from Chapman University. Honestly, I thought I'd be more unsure of myself.

I realized something, lately. Most people have a very narrow view of life. They don't see beyond their homes and their jobs. I thought maybe it was apathy that kept them there, that if I could break through their apathy they could see what a crazy, beautiful, horrible world we live in.
I'm starting to think that maybe it isn't apathy, at least not fully. It's more selfishness than anything. They just have tunnel-vision.

I think I do too. Especially lately, I've been focusing on the world. All of it. What's wrong, and what can we do as a species from self-destructing.
I'm beginning to think that it makes me a hard person to live with. A hard person to love.

It's like I got this heart, cramming everyone else into it, loving and caring about them, but not the people standing in front of me. And not for myself.
I don't love myself. Honestly, I don't think about it all that much, really. Goes with the territory, I think.
I'm thinking maybe it's a problem. How can anyone love someone who doesn't love himself?

I'm not giving up on the world. And I'm not going to stop caring.

But I do think I'm going to start being a little more selfish...