No really, How'd your date go? 2003-11-18

"There's so many things about you that I love. I love this, and this, and this. But I don't know if I'm in love with you anymore." And then my girlfriend breaks down into tears.
You've all heard that cliche line, 'I love you, I'm just not in love with you.' My girlfriend didn't sound one bit like a cliche. She honestly just doesn't know.
Ever since The Crucible ended she's been in a wierd sort of funk. She always has post-show depression, so that doesn't help either. She's confused, and terrified about graduating, and has all these other things whirling around inside her head, and somehow, whether or not she's in love with me got swept up with all the rest.

This is what I found out Friday during our date. Other than that part, things went really well. We went to dinner, hung out, went to see "Sylvia" starring Gweneth Paltrow (about poet Sylvia Plath, really excellent film). We were having a good time.

And then a song came on that we both sort of adopted as "our song." And she started crying.

She's been feeling guilty, you see. Everytime I've told her I love her, she feels guilty that she doesn't say it back. But she's scared to say it back, because she doesn't know if it's a lie or not. She feels guilty, because of all the things I do for her, and for the relationship, and she doesn't even know where she stands. And she feels guilty, because she knows how much it must hurt to be told that the person you love may not be in love with you. And she feels guilty, because she's talked to a lot of people about this, looking for help or advice, and hadn't said a word to me about it until that night.

And so we talked. By the end of the evening, we hadn't resolved what we're going to do, where we stand, or any of that.

So, no, we're not broken up or anything. At least not yet. I hope my last entry didn't imply that too forcefully. I was pretty depressed when I entered it. But the main reason why I picked that song was for the lyric "Kiss me, please kiss me. But kiss me out of desire, babe. Not out of consolation." We are supposed to be hanging out tonight, to run some errands and shit. I hope to be able to talk to her about all this, too. I'll let you know.