A Dose of Cynicism 2003-05-11

Here's an excerpt from a ten minute play I wrote awhile back, called "The Rules of Engagement":

Danielle: But what if one of those women is The One? (Mike bursts into laughter) What, don�t you believe in The One?

Josh: Well, it�s time to get more drinks. Be right back.

Danielle: Okay, baby. Get me another Long Island?

Mike: Tangueray and Tonic for me.

Josh: Alright. Don�t kill each other while I�m gone. (exits)

Mike: Okay, here�s the deal. People, more often than not women, are always looking for The One. I call it fishing in the dating pool.

Danielle: Hunh?

Mike: Just listen. People are always fishing for The One. The trophy bass. The big catch. And they spend most of their life fishing for it. But a lot of times, you get a mackerel.

Danielle: A mackerel?

Mike: Sure. Now most people, when they realize they�ve only caught a mackerel, immediately throw it back in the water and then recast their line, because somewhere in those murky depths is their trophy bass. Other people give up, thinking, �Well, at least I�ve caught a mackerel.� And they settle for less than perfect because they got impatient. But all of them, without exception, are fishing for the trophy bass. Me? I fish because I enjoy fishing. If I happen to find a trophy bass, then cool, I�ll take off my fishing hat. But if I happen to catch a mackerel along the way, I�m not going to throw it back in because it aint the bass, I�m going to take the mackerel home and enjoy the fucking fish. But I also don�t stop fishing.

Danielle: I can�t believe what I�ve just heard.

(Josh enters)

Josh: Here we go, Long Island and a gin and tonic. Whiskey for me. So have you told her about fishing?

Mike: Yeah, she doesn�t like it.

Danielle: That�s understating the topic brilliantly.

Josh: What you got to realize here, babe, is that Mike is one of the best, uh, fishermen I�ve ever seen. One time, I told him he needed to write a book on dating, and you know what he said?

Danielle: I think I can guess.

Josh: He said he would only need one page.

Danielle: Oh really?

Mike: That�s a fact.

Danielle: And what would you write on this one page that would help single guys everywhere catch a mackerel?

Josh: You�re gonna love this. He�d write, �Pick a spot, no wait�uh��

Mike: I better take over, before Josh wrecks the fine saying I�ve come up with regarding how to meet women. �Go to a place where there are many. Stand there.�

(Pause)

Danielle: Hunh?

Josh: It�s what he would write. In his book.

Danielle: Go to a place where there are many and Stand there?

Josh: Pretty crazy, huh?

Danielle: To say the least.

Josh: Y�know what�s crazier? His theory works. I�ve seen it happen. A lot.

Danielle: Oh really?

Mike: That�s a fact.

Danielle: I think I want to see this.

Josh: Ummm�

Mike: I�m not here to fish. I�m here to catch up with�

Danielle: No, I really want to see you in action.

Josh: (downing the rest of his drink in one gulp) Well, time for another, I�d say.

Mike: That�s a good idea.

Danielle: You�re right, it is a good idea. Let�s make the next round a wager.

Josh: Oh shit.

Mike: Excuse me?

Danielle: I bet you the next round that your theory is bullshit.