And the Oscar goes to... Part 2 2002-05-16

From there the evening takes a radical turn, where everything is my fault and she's been working so hard to make the relationship work.

She asks me why I never flirt with her anymore, why I so rarely complement her, why I am always so serious. And all around hiccups and tears.

So I tell her that to me flirting is idle dialogue that doesn't mean anything, and I'd rather say stuff to her that has meaning. And then I tell her that complements are only as good as the actions behind them.

Seriously, how many times can you tell someone you love them before it's habit and loses its specialness? How many times can you tell someone they are beautiful before it loses its power? Constant repetition of words makes them lose their meaning. Try it. Say "love" twenty times in a row. It starts to just become a sound after a while.

I prefer to show my complements through action, where every look says "I love you," and every touch says, "You are beautiful."

So I tell her this. And she says she appreciates it, but she needs to hear the words too. I tell her I do say them. She says, not enough. And that my actions aren't enough for her. And if I loved her, why can't I do this simple, superficial thing?

Because it's superficial, is what I wanted to say. I don't want any part of our relationship to be superficial.

But it became very clear to me that she wouldn't be satisfied with anything else.

So I changed the subject. Oh, it was beautiful! Out of the blue I ask, "What's important to you?" She immediately goes on the defensive. "I'm not going to answer that, I just know it's a loaded question."

Ouch! That hurts, that she could be so suspicious of me, not trust me.

Earlier, (I forgot to mention this) I said, "I apologize for not creating the evening you wanted." (This while we were in the middle of fighting. I was being sincere.) She starts sobbing, cuz she thought I was being sarcastic. I'm not a shallow bastard, I swear.

Anyway, she keeps wondering what my motives are for changing the subject, and I keep replying, "I want to know what's important to you." She gets real uncomfortable and says, we're not going to answer that until we finish the previous conversation. (Hmm, I've missed a lot, but I *am* trying to fit four hours into 2 pages.)

So I say, "My complements take the form of action, and I complement profusely and often, are we agreed?"

She hesitantly nods.

And then I say, "And while I do complement you verbally, you feel like I don't do it enough. Correct?"

Again, a hesitant nod, with a "what are you getting at?"

So I was forced to make a decision. She'd already admitted that compliments are superficial, so what she wanted from me was superficiality, something I strived so hard to avoid in the relationship. Was she worth it?

"Okay." That's what I said.

"What?" she asks. "I'll complement you more." Just like that, I made a decision. And what does she do? "I'm going. You are acting wierd and I don't trust you." She gets out of my car (which was parked at my house and had been for a lot of the argument) and leaves.

And I run after her.

I told her that she was asking me to make a decision and that I made it.

And she says, "So tell me what I've been wanting to hear."

And the Oscar for best actor goes to...

I told her, and she ended up weeping in my arms, happy that everything was okay. Meanwhile, while her face is buried in my chest, I am reflecting on what I just did.

I just redefined our relationship, at her request. It's no longer meaningful, it's no longer serious. It's shallow and superficial, based on petty words that don't need to be backed up with action.

I'm not going to break up with her, cuz for now she's still worth it.

I hope she realizes what she's missing, because she's no longer the woman I want spend the rest of my life with.